In the Silence

I am so confused right now. I have never had a period of silence/unanswered prayer go this long. We, as a family, have a need (one that we have had for awhile) and every time it looks as if that need is going to be met, it falls through. I am so frustrated that every time I think of this situation I tear up. I know that God is in control, but I am struggling right now. It is so hard for me to have hope for the situation because each time a solution falls through, my hope diminishes a little bit more.

The other day I felt God working a lot on my heart about my motives. I felt Him asking If I desired Him as much as a solution for our need. That if our need was never met, would I be content and trust Him in this situation/future ones. These are tough questions and the answer is ultimately yes; however, I continually have to give this over to God. I am trying my best to learn as much from this situation as possible, to allow it to grow me, so that I may bear more fruit. I am not going to even pretend though, it is hard and I am just done with it.

What helps you through times like these? Does anyone have a situation like this, that they don't mind sharing with me. If you do please email me at jdf922@cccb.edu or Facebook message me.

Why Did I Do That?

As I was playing with Moses today, he decided that it would be a good idea to bang on his head with his drumstick. The first time he whined, but then he kept doing it! At first I tried to get him to stop but he was determined that he wanted to keep hitting himself, so I let him. I thought it was really silly that he continued to do something that he knew was going to hurt him.

How often are we like this as humans though? How many people have been in a relationship like this? How many have used a substance like this? There are so many more situations that I could name but I think I have made my point. I know several times in my life I knew something was bad for me, and even after I felt the Holy Spirit convicting me of it and warning me of the dangers, I proceeded to do it again.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

It always amazes me, yet scares me, how much Moses imitates the actions of other people (especially me and Jarrell). There are so many things that he does now that I never taught him but he learned by just watching. Mostly recently he decided that he had to dip his fries in ketchup because that is what his daddy does. He refused to eat them without doing it too. Also, he will take a wipe and clean his hands, toys, the carpet, the kitchen floor, and whatever else he can find. Below is a video of Moses wanting to wear a snowboarding helmet because Jarrell was wearing it around the house.

I know these are small examples of imitation, but they made me realize a couple of bigger principles. The first is that as Moses continues to grow older his words, choices, reactions to situations, and every aspect of his life will be an imitation of those around him. Most importantly an imitation of the lives that Jarrell and I choose to live. This is a huge personal challenge for me because I know that some of the things I say or do, I would not want Moses to repeat. I need to continue to strive towards holiness for God, but also to make a bigger impact on the people around me.

The second thought that came to me was based on Genesis 5:1 "This is the written account of Adam's line. When God created man, he created him in the likeness of God." My life should resemble that of Jesus'. I can try to achieve this through "watching him" (like Moses watches me) throughout his life as presented in the Gospels. I know that these are really simple principles, but they are good reminders of who I want to be and how to live me life.

Turning the Bad into Good

In an effort to focus on things I am grateful for, I will start with the later part of my day and briefly touch on the rough part. Jarrell had to take his work computer to the Apple Store, so while we were out and about we decided to get some Japanese food, which happens to be my favorite. We are always hesitant to try new Japanese places because they can be so hit and miss, but I sure am glad that we did. This place literally was the best Japanese place I have ate at since leaving New York. (it is really sad, but I didn't even catch the name of it) My dinner consisted of Fried Tofu in an amazing sauce (eaten like soup), a huge seafood salad, and a California Roll, since I can't eat the good stuff right now. At dinner Jarrell looked at me and said, "I know why people love Japanese food. It is like an amusement park ride for your mouth." I thought this was so hilarious! Afterwards, we topped of dinner with Starbucks which made it an even better night.

Moses had such a rough day, which in turn made me have a rough day. He is refusing to take naps lately, even when he is so tired all he can do is fall over and cry. I was really losing my patience with him, but even in the midst of this moment God spoke to me. Two things that really stuck out to me were:

#1- I kept thinking of how 1 Corinthians 13 starts out with Love is patient. I began to realize in order to follow through with the rest of the verses, you first have to have patience.

#2- I thought about how patient God is with me/us. There are so many times in my life, like Moses, that there is something that I desperately need (whether that is prayer or to be in the word) and I don't doing, making my condition only worse. God is so patient with us in those moments and will be by our side no matter how many times we have to repeat a lesson or how stubborn we are.

I am so thankful that God can use tough times to teach us/remind us of important principles.

Serving Others

Yesterday evening I had a conversation with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in a while that left me feeling inspired. She recently underwent surgery to give her kidney to her cousin who needed one. I began to think of this selfless act and the implications of it. She risked her health, gave up her time, gave up her comfort, and was extremely brave. Through this, I realized how great an act of service this was. It really humbled me and I came to realize how little of my time and my life that I give to others. I am not talking huge acts, such as what my friend did, but more day to day ways that I could help others and how little it would affect me. My prayer through this is just to look for ways and opportunities in which I can give of the resources that God has given me, whatever that may look like.

I am so grateful that God uses ordinary people to show His love and to display His glory to this world. I want to be one of those people.

Thankful

So often I fail to realize all the wonderful things that I have in my life. Unfortunately, I get caught up and consumed in things of this life that don't matter. My biggest desire, as of lately, is for God to change my heart to be a more grateful person and to renew my mind regarding what is important in this life.

Three things that quickly come to mind that I am grateful for are: Jarrell, Moses, and Emery. My family is so important to me and they bring me more joy than anything in this world. I want to start this blog so that I can share the moments of joy that I experience with everyone that I care about.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Jarrell and I. We were in Durham, NC and it was one of our engagement pictures. I can't believe we have been married for almost four years!