Letting Go

There have been several transitions and big life changes that have occurred in my life over the past three years. I am extremely bad at pinpointing my feelings or expressing them in a healthy way. I have a range of about three emotions: happy, frustrated, or angry. My escape used to be alcohol, but my life has changed and that hasn't been my crutch for many years. Usually I don't tend to deal with my feelings until I am in a really unhealthy place, because it takes me so long to realize what I was feeling in the first place. All this being said I realized today that there was something that happened about a year ago that I had never dealt with. I was searching for a specific document on our computer when I came across a letter Jarrell had wrote and it brought me to tears. Here is a copy of it:

Many of you probably did not know but Josie and I were expecting another baby. It came as a huge surprise and filled us with a lot of joy and fear. I feel like with one child it is way much easier to work around schedules, appointments, and things like that, but with two we felt like a major life shift was about to happen. After a second visit and opinion from the hospital yesterday we found out that our baby didn’t have a heart beat. So many things are going through our head... was there something we could have done, what’s the purpose, what would he or she have looked like, or grown up to be? The only thing that I can be certain of is God is in control of our lives. If you could pray for the healing and strengthening of Josie’s body that would be great.

Somebody's calling out your name

Somebody's calling out your name

Oh children why don’t you answer

Somebody's calling out your name...

Somebody's knows what’s in your heart

Somebody's knows what’s in your heart

Oh children why don’t you answer

Somebody's knows what’s in your heart

Somebody’s waiting to forgive

Somebody’s waiting to forgive

Oh children why don’t you answer

Somebody’s waiting to forgive...

Somebody wants to take you home

Somebody wants to take you home

Oh children why don’t you answer

Somebody wants to take you home...

As you can tell we lost a baby in between the time we had Moses and Emery. I didn't realize how much this hurt me until I read this letter. At the time I remember feeling so guilty because I wasn't very happy that I was pregnant. (Our kids were going to be about ten months apart). I thought that it was my fault that we lost the baby, that if I would have wanted it, this wouldn't have happened. I remember feeling like a horrible parent because of some of the comments people made about the situation. I was sad because we were suppose to go to our friends wedding but I was limited on traveling, since I hadn't physically lost the baby yet, which made me feel selfish. I was terrified to lose the baby physically (which never happened, I had to have surgery). These are just a few emotions that I actually realized feeling at the time this happened, while reading this letter. It feels good to express these, to let go. I am so thankful for my husband and his love for me and Christ. I am thankful while I didn't have the words to express my pain or even think about praying, that he did. I am thankful that God uses every situation we go through for his glory. "And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Tiffany's Blue

Today was an eventful day but amazing. This morning we went to our friend Macyn's 2nd Birthday party. I am so sad that the picture to the right is so small (I couldn't make it any bigger) because seriously it is so stinking cute! This is Macyn and Moses the first day that the met, almost a year ago. It is so crazy to look back and see how far they have come since the time this was taken. Moses walks now and has hair. Macyn scoots (which is the cutest thing EVER). This is one of the many families that God has blessed us with since moving to California. At the party Moses went on wagon rides, fed some ducks, chased bubbles, ate too much cake and drank too much juice, and played with tons of little friends. It was such a great time!

After the party I came home and Jarrell was off work! This was a miracle friends, he has been working so much lately. He and my friend Liz had made secret plans for me though, which turned out to be amazing and exactly what I needed. Jarrell watch the kids while Liz pampered me :) She took me out for coffee, pedicures, and lunch. There is nothing like getting

spoiled and spending quality time with an awesome friend talking about life. I always pick "safe" colors when I get pedicures, but not today. I decided to get a color that is basically Tiffany's Blue. Every girl needs some Tiffany's Blue in her life right? Since I didn't get the little blue box at least I can look down at my toes and smile.

After our time together I came home and got to spend time with my family. I love it when we are all together. Moses is such a sponge right now. He is learning so much, so quickly. In the last couple of days he has learned to say sister and sissy. Also, he learned to climb in and out of his crib without hurting himself, so it may be time for a toddler bed (He learned to get out of his crib along time ago but would hurt himself so he stopped doing it). He has been teething for a while and he just popped through four teeth so now he has sixteen teeth! Which reminds me, he was running around like crazy the other night at our friends house and fell down. He was crying really hard but we couldn't figure out what had happened. Well I realized the other day that he had chipped off part of his front tooth, so now I am calling him Chippy.

That was pretty much my day in a nutshell!

In the Silence

I am so confused right now. I have never had a period of silence/unanswered prayer go this long. We, as a family, have a need (one that we have had for awhile) and every time it looks as if that need is going to be met, it falls through. I am so frustrated that every time I think of this situation I tear up. I know that God is in control, but I am struggling right now. It is so hard for me to have hope for the situation because each time a solution falls through, my hope diminishes a little bit more.

The other day I felt God working a lot on my heart about my motives. I felt Him asking If I desired Him as much as a solution for our need. That if our need was never met, would I be content and trust Him in this situation/future ones. These are tough questions and the answer is ultimately yes; however, I continually have to give this over to God. I am trying my best to learn as much from this situation as possible, to allow it to grow me, so that I may bear more fruit. I am not going to even pretend though, it is hard and I am just done with it.

What helps you through times like these? Does anyone have a situation like this, that they don't mind sharing with me. If you do please email me at jdf922@cccb.edu or Facebook message me.

How the Time Flies

My life has been crazy busy lately! Jarrell is still working long days, so I just don't have the time to myself that I need, but I keep telling myself that it is temporary. Lately I have been trying really hard to say a prayer and be thankful for something every time I feel like complaining. This has been awesome for my attitude and has given me a lot of new perspective.

I can't believe that Emery is already a month old. Here is a little update on her:

*She is 10 lbs. 1 oz. (90th percentile) She is such a chunk, she gained 1 1/2 pounds in two weeks!

*She is 22 inches long (also the 90th percentile)

*She is making all kinds of sounds. I can't believe how vocal she is already. Moses definitely was

not this vocal until much later.

*She slept six hours in a row the other night, which was amazing!

Emery,

Baby girl, I love you so much already. I can't wait to see you grow up and find out more about the amazing person that God has created you to be. I love how you are such a cuddle bug and want to be held all the time. You bring so much happiness into my life. I love you.

Moses is sixteen months old now. Here is an update on him:

*He is 33 inches and 22 pounds (tall and thin like his daddy)

*Recently learned to say bubble and Elmo (Melmo) but his favorite word is baby.

*He can point to his ears, eyes, mouth, nose, and belly button. He loves bellies and tries to lift up everyones shirt to see theirs.

*He is such an active little boy and loves to play in water the most. Recently we were at someone else's house and he took off running out the door and ran straight into their pool with his clothes on and someone had to rescue him!

Moses,

My sweet little boy! I can't believe how big you are already! It seems like just yesterday you were born. You are the happiest little boy I have ever met and I love your big huge smile and your love of life. I truly believe that your purpose in life is to bring others happiness, because everyone that meets you falls in love with you. You are such an amazing big brother and I can't wait until Emery is old enough to play with you. Thank you for all your love and kisses. My life wouldn't be the same without you. I am so thankful that God gave you to me, my little miracle baby.

Community

I really don't have the adequate words to convey what I am about to say because how I feel is so much deeper than I can express, but here is my best try:

I have been brought to my knees and to tears lately by the wonderful friends and family that God has blessed us with. Even as I try to type this I am tearing up. There is no greater feeling in the world than knowing you have people around you how believe in you, love you, and support you in whatever way you need. We have such an amazing community here in California and it is incredible to me because we have only been here ten months. It is humbling because these people are truly expressions of God's own love towards me (and my family) and it is overwhelming.

On a slightly different note things are going pretty well. It is the busiest time of year for Jarrell right now, so that has been interesting for me. He is working fourteen hour days and will be for awhile, so I am basically a single mom. However, all these wonderful people I am talking about have made my life so much easier. I can't believe that Emery is already three weeks old and Moses just turned sixteen months. Time seems to be going faster everyday. I am really trying to enjoy these moments knowing they are going to be gone sooner than I realize. Moses cuddled up on the couch with me this morning (which he doesn't do nearly as often as he used to) and I was overfilled with love. It is so amazing how much joy a

child brings you. I am so thankful for my kids because they make me a better person. I will leave you with these wonderful picture of my beautiful children.

Nicknames

I love nicknames. Especially unique ones, that only the person who gave it to you realizes the meaning behind it. There are some nicknames though, that I would rather never have received. I am thinking about this because the other day Moses gave Emery a nickname without realizing it. He is so little and is just learning to talk and tried to say Emery and said Mimi. We definitely will be calling her that, how cute right?

We have a million nicknames for Moses, some practical some not so much. Some of my personal favorites are: momo, motar, mozito burrito, mogatoff, and motasaurus. I know half of these don't make sense but have become so special to us for various reasons. I know most of them won't stick and that is why I am writing them down so that I remember later on.

The Simple Things in Life

Here is a random list of things that I love that all occurred today---> Days that Jarrell is off work and our family is all together, experiencing the joy that comes from my babies and the joy they impart into other peoples lives, caramel light frappes, adventuring to new places, Mexican food, taking long naps, meeting new people, seeing how God is working in different places, gifts in the mail, warm chocolate chip cookies and hope for the future. The only negative of my day was we got in a car wreck (we got hit from behind while at a stoplight) however, nobody was hurt and our car was perfectly fine.

God is definitely opening up some doors for Jarrell and I. Please be praying for us as we are looking into different ministry opportunities. We definitely desire to be where He wants us to be. This is such a simple verse, but so powerful..."Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5 ,6

Two Babies

The good news is that having two babies (Moses 15 months, Emery 2 weeks) isn't as bad as I imagined it was going to be, but it is a lot of work. Moses is going through a terrible hitting phase and is teething so it has been rather challenging dealing with him. I had two big fears before having Emery.

#1- That I wouldn't love her as much as Moses

#2- I was worried about how Moses would adjust or react to her

Fortunately, both of these fears turned out to be false. Moses LOVES Emery, maybe even

too much. Our biggest struggle is keeping him away from her or off of her. The moment she came home, he was in love with her. He wants to get in her bassinet with her, hold her, carry her around, and gets really protective of her around other people. It is so amazing the love that he already has for her. To the right is a picture of him when he first held her. You can see how excited he was!

Emery is such a beautiful little girl and I love her just as much as Moses. I haven't been able to experience much of her personality yet because this child is a sleeper. She literally is only up about three hours a day (on a good day). Moses was never like that, so it is really weird to me, but is super helpful because I can spend quality time with Moses. I can't wait to see her grow and continue to develop.

I am really tired and my house is a disaster, but all in all I am adjusting fairly well. Please pray that God directs me as I am trying to figure out what I will be doing in terms of continuing to stay at home or work.