Letting Go

There have been several transitions and big life changes that have occurred in my life over the past three years. I am extremely bad at pinpointing my feelings or expressing them in a healthy way. I have a range of about three emotions: happy, frustrated, or angry. My escape used to be alcohol, but my life has changed and that hasn't been my crutch for many years. Usually I don't tend to deal with my feelings until I am in a really unhealthy place, because it takes me so long to realize what I was feeling in the first place. All this being said I realized today that there was something that happened about a year ago that I had never dealt with. I was searching for a specific document on our computer when I came across a letter Jarrell had wrote and it brought me to tears. Here is a copy of it:

Many of you probably did not know but Josie and I were expecting another baby. It came as a huge surprise and filled us with a lot of joy and fear. I feel like with one child it is way much easier to work around schedules, appointments, and things like that, but with two we felt like a major life shift was about to happen. After a second visit and opinion from the hospital yesterday we found out that our baby didn’t have a heart beat. So many things are going through our head... was there something we could have done, what’s the purpose, what would he or she have looked like, or grown up to be? The only thing that I can be certain of is God is in control of our lives. If you could pray for the healing and strengthening of Josie’s body that would be great.

Somebody's calling out your name

Somebody's calling out your name

Oh children why don’t you answer

Somebody's calling out your name...

Somebody's knows what’s in your heart

Somebody's knows what’s in your heart

Oh children why don’t you answer

Somebody's knows what’s in your heart

Somebody’s waiting to forgive

Somebody’s waiting to forgive

Oh children why don’t you answer

Somebody’s waiting to forgive...

Somebody wants to take you home

Somebody wants to take you home

Oh children why don’t you answer

Somebody wants to take you home...

As you can tell we lost a baby in between the time we had Moses and Emery. I didn't realize how much this hurt me until I read this letter. At the time I remember feeling so guilty because I wasn't very happy that I was pregnant. (Our kids were going to be about ten months apart). I thought that it was my fault that we lost the baby, that if I would have wanted it, this wouldn't have happened. I remember feeling like a horrible parent because of some of the comments people made about the situation. I was sad because we were suppose to go to our friends wedding but I was limited on traveling, since I hadn't physically lost the baby yet, which made me feel selfish. I was terrified to lose the baby physically (which never happened, I had to have surgery). These are just a few emotions that I actually realized feeling at the time this happened, while reading this letter. It feels good to express these, to let go. I am so thankful for my husband and his love for me and Christ. I am thankful while I didn't have the words to express my pain or even think about praying, that he did. I am thankful that God uses every situation we go through for his glory. "And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28